Today's cold snap got me thinking about where the bugs that just days before were emerging had gone. The other day, despite it only being +40-something, we had a multitude of bugs milling about on every warm and sunny surface of the house. Clearly they wanted into the house to do whatever it is bugs do once they are inside. I probably should have paid more attention to entomology in school (Although I'm certain I've never taken an entomology course, the topic was bound to have been covered at least briefly by one of them!), because I have devoted a great deal of my life to avoiding bugs and I honestly don't know much about bugs other than that they annoy me and that I take great delight in my ability to kill them before they kill me! After watching the bugs for awhile, I couldn't help but recall my favorite (And easily most embarrassing!) bug memory of all!
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At one of our previous stops along our life's adventure, we lived in an old parsonage. When we took the call, the house was boasted to have been built to be "the best in town". Mind you, that was 80+ years ago, and (as many churches are wont to do) had fallen victim to considerable "deferred maintenance". After we moved in, we immediately began peeling away layer after layer of moldy wallpaper and spent great care painting every wall of the house. I pulled up the 70's shag carpet (You all KNOW what color it was...ORANGE!) to discover beautiful oak hardwood floors that needed only a bit of preservation to bring back to life. Before long, our new house was starting to become a home!
When winter arrived, we discovered that our home had many larger issues that couldn't be painted over or patched up. The house desperately needed new windows and the roof leaked terribly. All our effort to that point had been cosmetic and we experienced a mild seasonal depression as we hunkered down for what would be a long, cold and wet winter.
When Spring finally arrived, we were delighted by the multitude of perennials around the house and the ability to actually keep our old house relatively warm (At least when the sun was out!). But this new found warmth brought about another surprise...a mass exodus of lazy bugs from every nook and cranny of our abode. Thanks to the internet and 7th-grade Biology Classification, I was able to discern that our new house guests were the harmless Boisea trivittata, or box-elder bug. The only danger to us was that they tended to congregate on and around windows and can stain drapery with their waste. Cool...I can handle a harmless bug and I really don't care for drapes...I'm more of a blinds man myself!
I employed a variety of methods of extermination, usually depending on the time of day. When the kids were awake, I'd drag the Dyson upstairs and use the hose (or is it wand?) to just suck them up. At night, however, I had to dispense of them by hand with tissues, since there's no chance I'll be able to sleep knowing that there's bugs creeping and flying around my ceiling. The disadvantage of the "by hand" method was that each and every bug made a loud crunch when smashed. This sound was just enough to make me ponder my killing ways before deciding that there still was no better way to remove them from my dwelling than cold-blooded (literally) murder.
Anyway, every night before bed, I would grab some tissues and stealthily climb around the room to dispose of the enemy. One night, I counted nine bugs to be killed and as I went around the room, I realized that one was actually a humongous black fly warming itself near our ancient light fixture.
Well, as any child of the 80's will tell you, this required a whole new level of skill as no fly was going to be captured by simple tissue. As I considered my prey, the thought crossed my mind to go and get my chopsticks, however, I'm no Daniel-son (let alone Mr. Miyagi) so I opted for the obvious next best weapon...a blue cow-print foam slipper!
Mind you, I'm already prepared for bed and am stalking my victim in my underwear and, for some odd reason, black dress socks. So, there I am, underwear, black socks and blue cow-print slipper attempting to shoo the fly away from the light fixture to a more reasonable killing ground. After a couple of near misses, the fly finally decides I am serious about him moving and takes off in fury of loud buzzing and collisions with inanimate objects. I stood there dumbfounded until the fly buzzed around the room and landed in my chest hair!
Naturally, I did what every tough guy would do in this situation...I screamed! And not a good manly scream. No! That would have been too, well, manly for this situation. No, I had to scream in the voice of a teenage girl attending her teen-heartthrob-of-the-moment concert!
"AHHHH! It's ATTACKING me!" I shrieked as the fly thrashed about in my chest hair.
As I panicked, the fly managed to disentangle itself from my chest web and resume flying about the room at an even more furious pace! After two quick laps around the room, the fly alit upon the front of my underwear where I quickly (And very much without thinking!) swatted it with the aforementioned blue cow print slipper!
I silently crumbled to the floor as my nemesis flew away barely stunned by the events that had transpired. To my own good fortune, I had managed to avoid a direct full-frontal assault upon myself (Despite the fact that in baseball I was a notoriously good ball striker...no pun intended!) and was aided by the fact that the blue cow-print slipper was mostly made of foam. Within an instant, J started laughing uncontrollably before being embarrassingly joined by yours truly!
Later on, I realized that I could've won every "Funniest Home Video Contest" for eternity had I only had the foresight to keep a video camera in my bedroom. I still don't keep a camera in my room, mostly because I'd have to explain why I have a camera in my room, which despite the hilarity of the above story, would probably still leave people wondering...
Of course, I could use the Boy Scouts' motto as justification..."Be Prepared"...which I clearly wasn't!
Nor am I prepared for what summer in Bethel will bring...BUGS!
1 comment:
I am sorry to say you haven't seen ANYTHING yet. When I read this, I thought - "there were bugs out?"... :)
I hope you have window screens in. The first wave of mosquitos is really bad for 2.5 weeks or so, then the population stabilizes in a slightly less horrifying level. Just hope for a lot of windy, warm days.
Then in late summer there are the lovely no-see-ums that are small enough to get through the screens...
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